Swimming in an ocean of thoughts.....

Ask me no questions and i shall tell you no lies :)

Thursday, February 26, 2015

My mini human and I ~ From a Nomad's diary

There are countless instances I could cite about how my son steals my heart every day. He has clearly entered a phase where he has drawn a circle of impermeability around him and makes sure no one crosses over without him knowing about it. My mom says, that is how boys are. She grew with two brothers and a sister and knows the ways of boys and girls. As for me, I am a single child who at some point of time imagined (not exactly craved for) what if I had an elder brother. I never wanted to have a sister. I just might have wanted a brother had God asked me and that too an elder one who would take me for games and other extra curricular activities. Now I believe that somewhere, I had actually craved for a sibling. And then, God gave me a son. Ever since my son was born, he has treated me more like a sibling, a friend, a child, a pet and what not, and less as a mother. He tries to protect me if there is stray dog on the road and immediately asks me to pick up stones. Sometimes, he teaches me how to ride his bicycle.  And if I hold his hand while crossing the road, he gets angry and says, “Please don’t hold my hand. I am the one who will hold your hand. OK!”. Sometimes, he gets offended if I finish my meal before him and so, I have to take an extra helping of food to compete with him again. This is precisely what makes motherhood joyful and challenging at the same time.

Raising a son is no easy game. Boys are different from girls on many aspects. Boys are not meant to be obedient, albeit the exceptions. They are not meant to be told what to do and what not to. They follow by examples. For most of them, their fathers are their role models. They ape their fathers, word to word, inch to inch and drop to drop. At least, that is the case with my son. One day, he came over and saluted and casually mentioned to my husband, “Dad, When I grow up, I am going to be an army officer like you.”, to which my pleasantly surprised hubby quipped, “Don’t forget what you said. I will ask you to remember these lines, when you hit your teens!”. Even during lunch or dinners, he prefers to have exactly what hubby is having. And, I know now, why a father-son bond is special. It is as special as a mother-son bond. The difference is, a father son bond is all about the emotions that are never spoken, never expressed and never made obvious. The bond is as strong as a mountain, as soft as a caramel and yet is remains inconspicuous.

Coming back to our sibling rivalries, there are just too many I could share here. Like, once a week I am loudly reminded by my son that he is a big boy now and that, I cannot kiss him or cuddle him in public. When he rides his cycle, he prefers to take a fall than to let me hold his cycle from falling. He gets irritated if I feed him an extra spoonful while he gets engrossed in watching Tenali Raman or Akbar Birbal stories on the laptop. Yes, my mini human is growing up. Sometimes, when I feel lost or have a heap of undone tasks and do not know where to start or probably have a bad bad day, he walks up to me, sits on my lap, strokes my cheeks, hugs me and pats me and says, "mumma, you are my best friend, no?". And I pinch his cheeks and say, "I am always going to be your first best friend!".

When I look back at the events that unfolded post marriage, my tense pregnancy which had a lot of un-explainable issues, and my own battle with a neurological disorder about two years back, that almost killed me, and the point when my father in law was on a verge of collapse and seeing my husband struggling hard to get my FIL back to normal, it feels all three of us have come a long way. A long way indeed. And, there is still a long way to go. As for now, I love the present. Someday perhaps, I shall write a book on motherhood. Someday.


Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Of conspiracies and designs. ~ From a Nomad's diary

“When you make a decision, the whole world conspires to make it happen."

One more way of looking at it is,

“When you make a decision, the whole world just conspires!!"

I am beginning to wonder at the depth of such statements. And let me tell you why. Some instances in life force you to question the intent, the pulse and everything around. Sometimes, nothing makes sense. Or, it might be making sense but you just don’t get it!

There are just too many ways to get lost in the intricately woven web of complexities by people, when life on the other hand could have been simpler sans all the drama. Hell, I could probably write a post like 10 ways to complicate life, which should not be difficult as I come across many who can teach the world about it. But then, that is entertainment of sorts. What bothers me however is the uncertainty about certain things, when answers are crucial. Honestly, I do not know how it would feel otherwise as I have majorly rode through uncertain phases in life. And right now, I need a change from this because, am not enjoying it. What feels worse, is to feel ‘puppet string’-ed by people in a position of power. who at the end of the day reward you with nothing but, uncertainty. I sometimes think, how can they sleep in peace, knowing for a fact that their decisions can alter a design of someone else's life. What is it after all, a conspiracy or a design?

Sometime back, I had a chat with my father about the many issues making rounds on our turf. I asked him casually if he had gone through times when a yes or a no could have changed many things for better or, for worse. As usual he took his time to reply and this is what he told me, “Countless!! There have been too many to remember. There were times when we needed a certainty and life gave us exactly the opposite. Maybe, those uncertainties were designed in a way to make me what I am today, self made and resilient. Believe me, it is nature’s design. Conspiracy is what your head has cooked for you. It may or, may not be true. But, designs of destiny is the one and only truth, you need to believe in. Just stop speculating on what you have no control. Everything will fall in place gradually. For now, try enjoying the chaos.”

For me, hearing my father speak is therapeutic. For a while, it feels good too. But, the present does have a way of clouding judgments about the manner in which events might unfold. That said, the mixed feelings about an uncertain period are not going away any soon.  All I can hope for is, something good will happen. Hope and Faith are all I am banking on.



Monday, February 23, 2015

This and that!! ~ From a nomad's diary

“What on earth does ‘elo meno p’ mean?? It is L M N O P!!”, I am tired of explaining this to my son every single day!! I am not sure if that is how they teach in school. Unfortunately for me, my son has more faith in the teachers (a good thing I thought so), than on me. But then still, what in the hell, does that ‘elo meno p’ mean after all?? Arrrgghhhh!! And, pre primary schools won’t give me a job because I don’t have a certificate that asserts that I can teach toddlers!! I mean, seriously??

I am tired of being the mobile finder in the house. Anything if not found, ask the lady of the house. It is her duty after all, to know which thing can be found in which of the unlikeliest places!! For instance, whenever hubby asks me to get his mobile or wallet or the car keys, he also gives me a location where I know for a fact, that I will not find any of it there, for sure! My son displaces my watch every single day (even if I manage to change its location everyday) and then, watches me ransack the whole place for it (I cannot do without one!!). It is only after my house is upside down, he gets up, retrieves it and gives it to me!! What fun must that be, right??

The homework episodes are crazy. Everyday practice at his age is crucial as even a miss of a day ‘s work induces enough inertia and disinterest in him, to demotivate him from studying further. And so, when I ask him nicely to finish his homework, he leaves no stone unturned in bringing the blues in me! It is only when I shout and reprimand him in the sternest of my tones (am sure my voice reaches many places around where I live), he finishes it in a jiffy! Once he is done with his homework, it is I who breathes easily! Yes, I did it!! But my son does not forget anything unpalatable. So he makes sure that he 'repeat telecasts' all of it when hubby is home....."Dad.....you know mom scolded me today".....and definitely does not forget to call up my mother and say....."paati, amma inniki enna aducha!!"  Did I mention, how I always wanted to be a villain in my childhood??

Sometimes, I ask my mom if I was difficult as a toddler. She quips after some thought, ”No. you became difficult later!!” So I asked her, “So, by corollary, is my son supposed to be easy when he grows up??” Her look was enough to tell me that I had dropped my brains somewhere!! As a grandparent now, her answers are diplomatic. I cannot get whether her yes is a no or, her no is a yes.

Why do people feel that, I am offered jobs in a platter?? Every single soul around tells me to apply for a job. What makes them think, I haven’t?? And, if I have not got one yet, the questions turn into a gigantic heap of advice. “You must complete this course, you know” and blah blah!! Yeah, right! I did not know that! The bottom line is everyone around is making it sound as if, being a homemaker is synonymous with being useless and that, before I become useless useless, I should do something about it!! Now here is what I think. People who think they are busy with a job are actually busier doing whatsapp and what not..during their office hours. People, I pretty much know what to do with my life. My priorities are crystal clear for the moment! God!! Who, is this world kidding?? 

That was enough for a day, I suppose!! All that said, all my woes disappear the moment when my son wraps his arms around my neck and asks me to sing a song to him or say stories in the night or, when hubby casually remarks, "you are getting fitter, with each passing day". Yes, as a mother and as a wife, I get perturbed when the discipline of the house goes haywire. But then, I don't forget to remind myself that life is indeed, beautiful!!

P.S: I just finished writing this and what do I find?? My son has nicely wiped his mouth on my kurti after having chavanprash, this morning!! Boys will be Boys. Sigh!!


Sunday, February 22, 2015

"Get me a real dinosaur!! NOW!!" ~ From a nomad's diary

My son asked for a real dinosaur ~ From a Nomad’s diary

Me to my son: Complete your homework!
A: Com---ppppp—leeeete what??
Me: Home work!! (Losing sanity)
A: ummm…..what will I get if I comppp--llle---teee….homework?? (sly smile)
Me: Whatever!! Just do it, man!!
A: mom, I am a boy!!
Me: Arrghgghhh……please………
A: Ok……
---------------------------------------------(After completing Homework)-----------------------------------------

Me (with a diary milk hidden in my hands): So, what do you want?? (almost expecting him to say chocolate)
A:  (after some thought): I want a real dog, a real monkey, a real peacock and a real dinosaur!! NOW!!
Me: (Digesting the face palm moment)

In my growing years, did I have weird imaginations? Did I have imaginary friends? Did I crave for company, owing to the fact that I am a single child? Was I a loner at some point of time in my childhood? Did I dream about fantasy worlds and spider-man? Well, suddenly many questions cross my mind after this incident happened between me and my son.

And so, this post, so that insanity returns, for good!!

Weird imaginations – Yes.
I do not know how many of us remember dreams. But I remember a few, because they were very vivid and very weird. In one of them I was a vigilante with a flying saucer who was on a mission to save the earth from a clownish demon!! The best part about the dream was, I was able to fly at will and was as agile and alert like Alice from Resident Evil Series!! It was only later, my mom had casually mentioned that I had kicked a few pillows here and there in sleep. But, that dream! Did it make me feel good, or what!!. I craved for something like that again and it never came until a few years back, when I again got an impressionable dream in which I was a wandering soul who could fly over the mountains and oceans. The beauty was breathtaking. But the dream was not entirely about the beauty of nature. In the dream, I also witnessed a lot of hopelessness and riots. Am not sure until date, what that dream meant or why I saw such a dream. Do dreams mean anything? The Internet has a bazillion articles asserting that they do. Anyways, I don’t remember most of my dreams and the few that I remember, I was always flying!! (Maybe I was a bird or something in my previous birth!!) 

Imaginary Friends and Fantasy world – Yes
How many of us admit to that? I had. In my school days, I had an imaginary friend from another planet (of course, you can imagine any freaking thing, if the reigns of your mind were to be let loose). It is not like, I talked to this friend. I never did. But, it was like my prized possession, a figment of my imagination that was safe with me and belonged to me alone. Maybe, I was never that open, a book!! In later years, I realized my imaginations may have manifested from my irrepressible craze for sci-fi books and movies. (I still love sci-fi). And, I hated He-Man and Bat Man those days and Spider Man was my eternal hero. However, now I don’t like Spider Man a bit and I adore Batman a lot (Christian Bale, you got me!!). Sometimes, I wonder if Alice in Wonderland was a story just made for me. That story has been following me ever since my failed interview at Tech Mahindra in 2006, when a snobbish interviewer had asked me, what would be Alice’s destiny had she not followed the rabbit!! That was the least of questions I would have expected in a technical round and at that precise moment, I could not even recollect any of the characters, tweedle dum, tweedle dee, the red queen or the mad hatter!! In later years, I somehow felt that, the story was a reflection of how my destiny was going to unfold. Maybe, I was never a realist!! Maybe, I am just an incurable optimist living in Alice’s world!!

Craving for company because I was a single child – No and then, Yes.
Every single person I know, has always advocated for two instead of one when it came to children. One is implicitly alone, stubborn and never cares to share stuff with anyone. As for two, they say, there is company. Now, I concur with the part that, there is company. But I do not agree at all with the statement that a single child is ‘alone, stubborn and does not learn the art of sharing’. Well, if you must understand my rage, you must know that I am a single child who arrived biologically late into my parents’ world after 10 odd years. And, my parents never let me feel the need for a sibling as they managed the art of parenting with finesse, considering I was a difficult child. But then, I would go on to agree with the question only to the point until my school and college days existed. It was post marriage and post having a baby, I started thinking differently. Maybe, when I look at my hyper active son who wants to pet every wild animal on earth, I feel, maybe the world is right this one time. But then, I am not sure. (Am not discussing more of this here).

Was I a loner, at some time in my childhood?
Well, the answer is not that easy. I wish I could answer this. I can say that there have been times in my childhood when I have felt strong about being betrayed or being hurt. I had remained a loner for a while and somehow, I never let those people know how hurt I was. As my father used to tell me in my school days, “Not a big deal!! These issues will be not be even worth remembering when life takes you to big places”. Those were the times, I felt even more lonely because I felt not being understood enough. However with time, the hurt feelings went away and my father was right. And over a period of time, I have built a chain of restraint around me unconsciously, that has always held me back when the urge to socialize was high. And, that chain has definitely saved me more often, leaving aside the few trivial ones with the regret of having not’s.

But then, today I am content and happy. Because, the insanity that comes from believing in the fantasy world, the tooth fairies, the sand man, Jack Frost and what not, is back because of this incident!! When my son asked for a real dino yesterday, I could not tell him how much I would have wanted to own one myself!! (Of course, I could not put this on FB). Well, when he grows up and reads this, he is totally going to disown me, I know!! But then, that is what childhood does to you. The Innocent is back and I am loving motherhood.

P.S: And, did I tell you that I have two best friends........ Ok….this is me!!


Thursday, February 19, 2015

The Help ~ From a Nomad's diary

The first two weeks in the new place, as I had mentioned in my previous posts was a blur for me. I had problems with the place because, I was practically doing everything in the house right from mopping the floors, washing utensils, washing clothes (Our washing machine was not unpacked then) to cleaning the bathrooms. By the way, did I miss out on cooking food and also dropping and picking up my son from school? And then, working in a harsh cold winter was not a joke. And when I say, it is not a joke, I also would like to point out, how thankless we are, or have become towards the people to whom we often outsource these tasks. 

Thankfully after a couple of weeks, I managed to get a maid here, who cleans the house now. Also, my washing machine got unpacked last week and hence, half of my woes have gone away! And now, I also get to spend a lot of time with my son, of which most of it is spent screeching a the top of my voice, "Arjun, eat your food! Arjun, finish your homework! Arjun, drink a lot of water" and so on and so forth!! I have also started loving the new place and my son has finally adjusted to the environment. He has got a new cycle now and I take him out almost every evening. Maybe, I am appreciating life better than before, because I have a supportive spouse, whose judgments and timely advice howsoever strong have always been right. And then, my loving son makes me feel complete despite the small inconveniences that suddenly seem even more trivial.

Last but not the least, I have great respect for the help now, considering their work is not easy to say the least. When I had complained a lot about my troubles, hubby used to listen patiently and then help me around with the tasks (the ones he could help with). A few days back he mentioned over tea, “Sweetheart, when you do things yourself, you will be able to manage things beautifully even in the most hostile environment. Dependency is a disease and make sure it never comes your way!!

And then he winked, “When you do things yourself, you can get things done very tactfully without bending rules or codes”

The bottom line is, managing your work, your home and your world can be difficult, crazy, insane and can push you to the wall. Sometimes, you can get the urge to run away too. But then, managing your world is definitely NOT Impossible. After all, who ever said growing up or raising kids was easy??

And, I am NOT complaining!! 

By the way, here is a quote I would love to share - 


Sunday, February 15, 2015

And, acceptance takes over.....finally!! ~ From a Nomad's diary

I am now officially completing a month in the new station. Time flies. Right? Wrong!! I understood Einstein’s theory of relativity, "When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. And let him sit on a hot stove for a minute and that, may seem like more than an hour!!"(except the first half is not applicable for me, but the second half is). The last three weeks were the craziest and the longest 'month' of my life, speaking of which I felt trapped in a jungle with no particular directions towards feeling good. (Practically, I am stationed in a jungle of sorts where I get to see peacocks, stags and warthogs!!). Nevertheless, the acceptance has finally gotten over the rebellion in me, which at some instant in the past few weeks, had felt like rushing back to hometown and spending a while there until we got a permanent accommodation. When I had mentioned this to my busy bee hubby over a breakdown, he listened patiently and then said something that awakened a dormant verve in me, “Sweetheart, I won’t stop you if you do not like this place. But isn't that tantamount to running away from a problem? And, I have never seen you running away from something you couldn't face in the first go.” Of course, he had touched the nerve of resilience in me, over which I had always maintained a pride. And I sat back and thought over, “what am I really complaining about? That, I did not have neighbors at all? That, I do not like the mundane routine of life? And that, this place is colder than the previous station and is drab?” Of course, I had many things to be glad about. First being, married to a man who strengthens me with his charm and sagacity each time I buckle under pressure. And second, my son whose smile makes me forget all my woes. And, when I have such amazing men in my life, I better be thanking the Almighty for my blessings.

Well, now I am slowly adjusting to the growing demands of the new place and its people. Hubby and I conducted a formal event here and am glad, I did it despite the un-happening and demoralizing rehearsals!! The event was a success finally and that, has given me a boost of morale in a place where I thought, I would not be making even acquaintances. I have had my moments of awkwardness here. Of course, Nina the great cannot be making no mistakes. During the dinner of the event, I had tried cutting the bati with my fork and spoon and, the cardinal mistake of not having used a knife in place of spoon led to the flying of one half of the bati (I know not where and did not want to know where). I quickly covered up the shame by popping the other half into my mouth quickly! Now, I know the other three ladies (two of whom were seniors) pretty much noticed my bati fiasco but chose to ignore it as I am the baby of the station until a new bait gets trapped. The second blunder I made, was wearing heels for the event(something which I had stopped after my son was born). Apparently, I earned a severe back ache for having worn a footwear out of desire that superseded my comforts! Lessons learnt – Comfort is priority any day.

There are many events getting lined up in the unit. The welfare of the jawan’s families falls on the shoulders of the army wives (it is a moral responsibility of sorts). And so, I know for a fact that unit life is no cake walk after all. It is a test that will keep coming back. At this stage however, I just hope this phase of unrest too shall pass as am keeping fingers crossed for two wishes:        
  • One, need a permanent accommodation soon so that I can set up my kitchen completely and can sharpen my culinary skills.
  • Second, I wish to be remembered for the good things I do here and not for the goof ups I am more likely to make when pressure mounts.
My wishful thinking has no end. As of now, am back to what I always am, before the unraveling of my awesome personality begins- 

Anyways, signing off for now, until I come back with something to better to vent out on……



The misunderstood ….. ~ Irony or Tyranny??

There was a recent news on how a 15 year old of a school in Bangalore jumped to her death. The girl, according to the news reports, was a bright and a proactive student. So, what drove her to suicide?? She was friendly with a classmate in a manner that was more than just friendly. After some counseling and repeated warnings followed by suspension, the girl whose life could have turned out better (had she understood the complications that should rise from her actions), just decided to flee from her cage of do’s and don’ts and took her life. As usual, discussions, blame games and a lot of tweets and posts floated around advocating what is right/wrong. However, the beaten lot here, are the teenagers.

Teenage – An age, when you feel like an adult but the world refuses to acknowledge you as one.

A sudden play of hormones, those unexplained changes in physique, the attraction that comes along for the opposite sex, the urge to try the untried and the exhilaration that comes in doing something sans the scrutiny of parents, teachers or guardians, explains why teenage is challenging. Of course, waywardness in a teen is a different thing altogether. But then, pray tell, which of the above stated changes have we not experienced in our growing years? Most of us have. And who are we kidding?? Haven’t we been through the same phase at some point in our lives? Haven’t we nurtured secret crushes? (I bet 80 % of us did have). And, then there are always some who were more pulled towards the laws of attraction than the other. We have seen that kind too. And today, the same ‘we’ are quick to judge a teenager who just took her life.

It is here, the upbringing at home comes into picture. And as parents/ teachers, we need to ask ourselves…..

  • In today’s world, most children have access to everything they haven’t earned yet (an iphone 6 for eg). Why is that?  
  • Do you have time for your children? Do they share everything with you?
  • How often do you allow your children to watch television endlessly and then, complain about it later when that routine becomes a habit? (The same can be said about allowing children as young as three or four to access mobile phones and gadgets)
  • How often do you sit down and chat with your teenager in a friendly way, at the same time assuring them that you are always there for them?
  • How many of you parents/teachers sham away from discussing about sex education with the children?
Today, teenagers are smart. Talk about big cities, they probably don’t need any info from anyone about infatuations, sex or even trending teen issues (like teen pregnancy).  The only issue with them is they being unaware of the fact that they alone shall be responsible for their actions. This girl was bright. Her actions prior to her death may have been objectionable. But the question lingers…..”Could this death have been averted?” The answer to this question shall always be unclear.

May her soul rest in peace. Amen!


Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Oh sweet lady, ADAPT!! ~ From a Nomad's diary

The main drawback of good times is how they remind you of what you could enjoy or, what you have been missing out on. Or, is it the harsh flip of time when suddenly you find yourself midst the unknown, with unclear intentions floating around and, with people trying to get the most out of you for reasons best known to them? I am not sure. 

At this moment, nostalgia seems to be my biggest enemy and it is perpetrating my clarity of thoughts.
Yes, I made really good friends in the earlier place. Here, I am yet to see a soul as my next door neighbor. Since when did I miss out on the ironical truth of life that one needs to find solace in the company of self too? Or, did I not actually miss that out, but am getting the rougher drift of life that, man is after all a social animal! Right! Somewhere at this juncture, I feel stranded. I feel suffocated. I feel a little out of my place. My son feels the same too. Unfortunately for me, I cannot emote the way he does, by crying all over the bed, or throwing tantrums just for the heck of it. How do I explain to my son, that we are in a new place and we are not going back to Mhow anytime in near future? It pains me when he says, “mumma, I have packed my bags and we have a train to catch for Mhow! When are we leaving? I do not like this place!”. I am not sure how to answer that especially when I feel the same way too. Friends who became family in Mhow are missed so dearly that suddenly the greenery around, the barasinghas, peacocks and the flock of birds that perch on my porch no longer interest me! Worst of all, I have not been able to pick a job that should keep me busy. The time has not been ripe for it as yet, as the chances have come down to just beating the odds! Or, maybe I have let this phase pass.....

It is now that I realize when the senior ladies told me a thing or two about unit life. “You are never going to get a place like Mhow! Unit life is never going to be easy!” Yeah. And that reminds me, how things never came easy to us. Well, for hubby and I, struggles have been like a regular drill. And then, so be it! If that Almighty puts us to test, then he shall sure give us a way out from the test too. At the moment, the optimist in me is keeping the fingers crossed.

Lines for the moment:
Everything happens for a reason. The reason has to be good.
And, this too shall pass!!



Sunday, February 8, 2015

The fifth!! ~ From a Nomad's Diary

It just feels like yesterday when I saw this tall dark handsome guy leaning against his Splendor outside Hotel Ramakrishna, Pune. He was checking into his phone and momentarily, looked up. His aviators made it difficult for me to know whether he was actually looking at me or at anyone but me. He had worn a tiger striped sweatshirt and jeans. Although, I never knew whether I had fallen for him in that first fleeting glance but, in the days to follow, I knew for a fact that, that day was the game changer in my destiny!!

That was the day. 29th Feb'2008. 7 years have passed by, which includes five years of marital bliss with the man in aviators. A friendship that happened out of the blue, a relationship that culminated into marriage with the blessings of the Gods and a marriage that got two soul mates and their families together, has ever since made me an incurable optimist. Ironically before I met my husband, I was not even keen on getting married or settling down. And after all these years now, I know for a fact, that everything happens for a reason. 

And, I can never thank the Almighty enough to have given me a life partner who has stood by me through thick and thin and continues to support me in all ways possible.

The song for my beloved would always be the same!!

P.S: (How we both met will follow in the posts later)