Swimming in an ocean of thoughts.....

Ask me no questions and i shall tell you no lies :)

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Chapter 17: Life is beautiful and there is a reason to smile still..... ~ Chapters from my life

29th March 2013:

As I am sitting and typing away to glory, I know it will take me a while to resume a normal life. I still have double vision. My right eye is still not moving the way it should. But the doctor has assured me, that it will go away in some time, though not instantly. But he said, I can attempt to lead a life that need not be stressful. Dr Garima Sinha, who was my pillar of support in those days, advised me to take things easy in life. Life is slowly getting back to normal. Yes, it is difficult to answer people who ask unexpected questions, not knowing what to ask and how to ask. Some people thought I was attacked by some parasite. Some thought there was some blood infection. And as rumor mills have it, I knew social life was going to get only tougher for me. My case was not a disease but a disorder and people rarely understand the difference. But I do not care any longer. And it does not matter any more. Because it is my life and no one knows it better than I do. The day I was admitted in the hospital, I had fought with God, cursing Him, pleading to Him, cajoling Him, asking him, praying to him, shouting at him and what not. But today, I thank him for this beautiful life. I thank him for the early mornings, scorching noons and cool nights. I thank Him for everything, even the pain because only then have I realized the worth of life. How close a call that was and how He helped me help myself. True are the words that God helps those who help themselves. It is strange that we discover humility in the most susceptible circumstances of our lives. And in those times, we crave for the simplest joys, joys that we often fail to notice in our hyper active existence. Strange are the works of God. And stranger are the ways of destiny.

Yet, Life is beautiful. There is a reason to smile always. Of course, life would never be the same for me. There will be bad dreams, there will be nightmares, there will be fears and there will be dark days. But the bottom line is for every cloud, there will be a silver lining. And it is that optimism that counts in life. For me, getting back to normalcy will take time. But the good thing is that I know that I will. It is just a matter of time as Dr Vyas kept telling me. Yes, just a matter of time.
Lines today: Live life king size. It is never worth to waste any part of your life worrying over things over which we seldom have control. So just go with the flow and enjoy every second. Because the most humble memories will be the one that give the courage to fight the uncertainties of life that often come knocking in the most innopportune times of life. So sit back, relax, take a deep breath, smile......Life is beautiful! Love it, respect it and savor it!

Cheers & God bless...!!

P.S : If anyone you know may feel the symptoms I have felt, do not hesitate to go to a doctor. Myasthenia Gravis is curable with medicines and advanced treatment. Do not doubt yourself but trust your instincts. Life is precious after all.


Chapter 16: The last days in captivity before taste of sweet freedom. ~ Chapters from my life

24th March 2013:

4 cycles of plasma pherasis were over. The final one was due. It took longer than the usual. I came out of the dialysis unit after 5 hours of pain, breathlessness and unstable blood pressure. But then don’t they say, all is well that ends well. There were some moments of relief. The riles tube was removed. And when I saw the length of the tube that was inserted nasally, I almost staggered. My father had to hold on to something lest he fell. Thankfully, my mother did not see the length of the tube. It pained when it was removed. And finally I felt my throat muscles coming back to normal. I was first treated with tea and a biscuit. And I sipped it for an hour, not wanting it to finish. The first taste of freedom is sweet, in my case it was bitter sweet as my throat still ached as it had been in control of an external system all this while. But nothing mattered more than the fact that I was able to speak. I was able to swallow. I was able to drink. I was able to single rhymes to my son. I was able to recite hanuman chalisa to my heart’s content. And most importantly, I was able to thank all those people who had tended to me in the darkest hours of my life. The nurses Sister Vincy, Sister Joby, Sister Usha, Brother Abraham, Brother Abin, Brother Jacob, Sister Jesse, Brother Jaishankar and many more, Dr, Vyas, Dr Bharani, Sister Sindhu, Lab tech Mishraji, Sister Aradhna, the Aayas who sponged me and cleaned me when I was immobile, the cafeteria guys who made sure I got what I liked and wanted, each one of them helped me recover. And for each one of them, I shall always pray for their long life and prosperity.

Besides, my aunt and uncle, my brother Annu, my chitti – chittapa, Coimbatore mama, my parents, my neighbors (N and S) my husband and my son and hubby's fellow comrades who stood by me every minute, every second, made me realize the power of prayers and spirituality. Till this event, I was not much into the spiritual side. But the sequence of events made me see the light in spirituality. I drew my strength from the Vishnu sahasranam that was played day and night long. It gave me the confidence and courage to overcome the uncertainties that each day got me. Most importantly, I value each day more than before, each moment, each minute, each second that goes by.

Lines on that day: Value of the most important things are often realized when we are deprived of it. Respect for life is the best way to please God, the best way to have destiny on our side, the best way to work with Mother Nature.


Chapter 15: A mother’s gift : the pearls of wisdom ~ Chapters from my life

23rd March 2013

As I recounted the sordid details of whaterver happened with me, I asked my father, “Why did it have to happen to me? Why, after all?”  Despite having got the strength from the prayers and the extremely meticulous care that was showered on me, the question nagged me somewhere deep down within. And this time, my mother replied. And unlikely to her emotional fiery side, she told me calmly, “It is because, you were chosen. God chose you coz you are brave. And indomitable courage springs up in the most vulnerable moments and you proved it. Maybe, you can guide people who suffer silently and know not what is wrong with them. Write about it. Let the world know. Not because you had to endure it. But if anyone faces this kind of a rare problem, what is to be done. Maybe, that is what God wants.”

And then I remembered. Aah, how I missed writing. Immediately I asked the staff to get me a notebook and a pen. Although I had difficulty in seeing, I managed to write a few pages. It was after ages, I wrote on a paper. I felt rejuvenated. And then I doodled for a long while. It did not matter any more what I doodled. What mattered was my mind was active and no matter what, it will be a fight to the finish. My inner strength had returned. I was not going to buckle any more. Whatever, I will be my self again.

Lines on that day: We derive our will to fight back and survive from the optimism that springs from helplessness. It is like the storm that subsides only to give birth to a new beginning.....


Chapter 14: Assurance is at times what one needs at that moment..... ~ Chapters from my life

22nd March 2013

And finally, in the late morning, Dr Vyas came. He checked my eye ball movements, my hands and legs movements and then he asked me to speak. As I spoke, he assured me that I am getting better. As for my vision, he told me to have patience as it will take time for me to resume normal vision. As I started probing more about my discharge, he said that the plasma pherasis cycles will have to be completed. There were three more to go. I sighed. When will the day finally come, when I shall go home to my world? I knew the answer – wait.....
So the night, I was again wheeled into the dialysis unit for the third time. I was quite prepared mentally and in the first of many times I was given water orally. But they were just a few drops. But how I had them. Every little drop made me happy. I made sure I took the smallest sips possible. Only a thirsty man knows the value of those tiny sips. Although the annoying tube was still inserted deep inside me, I waited with a smile for the procedure to start and end. Meanwhile, either my husband or my father used to be there next to me, holding my hand and reassuring each time that the thing will get over in a jiffy. I would smile as I shook uncontrollably due to the coldness caused by the circulation of body fluids. Surprisingly, this time my BP was just fine and I was out in 2 hours. And as I came back to my room, I waited with utmost desperation for the day when I shall be back home, sweet home. For the first time, I smiled genuinely. And it felt good.....

Lines on that day: Small joys that we don't give much importance on any other normal day bring utmost happiness and contentment in times like these......


Friday, March 29, 2013

Chapter 13: Another day with no development again. Or was something coming up? ~ Chapters from my life

21st March 2013:

Every day for me was a lesson in disguise. It was teaching me something or the other. I was wondering what this day was to teach me about. And the news came, that no more plasma would be given to me because of the episode of the day before. So, now what? Nothing was clear. As such the plasma dialysis cycles were to be completed and each cycle happened on an alternate day. Besides, getting plasma for my blood group was becoming difficult. So the question was, “what next?”
Sometimes, impatience can tumble all positivity just like toppling a pack of cards stacked neat. Also, Dr. Vyas had not visited that day. And I wondered, what was it? Did they find something abnormal in me again? Am I kept in the dark? What would be the next step? What is the next day going to be like? Will I ever get discharged from here? Will I see my home again? And the fears were coming back. I felt cold and numb. I cried my heart out. My sobs were so loud that a few nurses came down and tried consoling me. The good part was I felt light and the not so good part was, no one knew my problem as much as I did. And at that precise moment, my throat started paining like never before. I could feel the riles tube prick the inner skin of my throat and the burning sensation came with a temperature that again set the alarm off. I was given a paracetmol shot in the night to bring down my temperature. That night, I hallucinated. I was drawn into an unreal world where strange images splashed, sounds were loud, yet incoherent, saw strange faces, faces I had never seen before and mind was in a trance watching the unreal world sink into me. At 4 AM in the morning, I woke up with a start and was relieved to find myself in that quiet room. I saw my parentsand my husband sleeping soundly. I calmed down. Then, I called for the nurse and begged her to get me some water. But as protocols would have it, I was denied water. My throat was so parched that I felt I would die of thirst. I waited for the morning. I waited for Dr. Vyas. I wanted that damn tube removed from my system. And I knew I could only wait.....
Lines on that day: Sometimes you dont realize what you want, sleep or pain? dreams or nothing? Mind is blank.....


Chapter 12: Those four hours in the ICU..... ~ Chapters from my life

20th March 2013:

The second cycle of plasma dialysis was more painful than before. It took around four hours. Atleast, I was mentally prepared for the body weakness that was to follow. As the plasma units flowed into my body, I felt my system slowly coming back to normal. And then as the last unit of plasma was being injected, something happened. There was a clot in my IV and the plasma refused to go into my system. As the nurses tried pushing it by injecting air pressure, suddenly the plasma reacted and my body reacted back with allergy. I went red and looked like I was a burn victim with my body swollen up. I felt my heart beat faster than normal and immediately called for the doctor. I was instantly given an Avil to control the allergy. But what followed later was a life changing experience for me. I was wheeled into the ICU where I was detected with a mild tricardia, an irregularity of the heart that happens on a trigger, which in my case was the plasma. I was kept under observation as my pulse rate went berserk and was shooting up double than normal. My father who was by my side then, was so alarmed that I felt he would swoon. Surprisingly, I was calm. I smiled at him and told him to wait outside. And after I limped back to normalcy after a couple of hours, the doctor on duty started  speaking to me, calming me and assuring me that I was out of any danger and I was going to be just fine. I smiled back. He probed my problem and the change in my voice gave me a new confidence. The nasal twine had gone and I was talking normally. However the rashes were yet to go and they took their own sweet time to go away for good.
Meanwhile, I looked around. The patient next to me was a 22 something female, perhaps an accident case, was in a semi comatose state. She was drifting in and out of consciousness and the docs and nurses were working on her round the clock, constantly talking to her, patting her, waking her up, telling her funny anecdotes and at times even yelling at her to open her eyes. And all their cheers made her at times, say ‘huh’ and then everyone gave each other a hi-fi feeling happy that she atleast replied. It brought tears to my eyes as I realized how grave people’s problems could be. Mine was serious but this lady was in so much pain that she had lost sense of perception. And for the doctors who worked on her round the clock, she was their baby whom they were trying to revive in good health. All I could do is salute people in this profession. And then, on the other corner of the room, there was this teenage kid who after having undergone some major surgery was in such a cheerful state of mind, that my morale got a boost. I thanked God that day. For teaching me to understand the pain of others, troubles of others and that life is easy for none. But what keeps a man going is that spirit that things will eventually turn out fine, no matter what. I was brought back to my room post mid night and I slept as peace descended on me after a long long time.
Lines on that day: We empathise with the other's pain when we share that thing called pain.....


Chapter 11: The first streak of light at the end of a dark tunnel..... ~ Chapters from my life

19th March 2013:

The next morning, I woke up in excruciating pain. There was a severe pain in my throat. Something that was rude enough to make me feel a burning sensation in my throat each time I attempted swallowing my own saliva. The pain continued to increase in full swing making it difficult for me to sleep. And as I moaned in pain, I called for a nurse. The regular nurse Sister Vincy (my favorite), a 20 something nurse who attended me many times, smiled when she saw me complaining about a sore throat. She shook me hard and said, “Narayani, smile.....you are feeling pain in your throat. Which means, you are responding to the treatment! Praise the Lord!”
I sat up suddenly and called out my mom. And the nasal twine had reduced. My voice was clearer. I smiled for the first time. And this time, the smile came with a lot of happy tears. My parents kissed me. My husband and my son hugged me tight. The pain was there and it kept increasing in my throat. But for the first time, I found a friend in it. It made me resilient. It made me tough. It prepared me mentally for the next horrendous cycles of plasma pherasis. I knew there were dark days ahead. But now, I knew I had to keep going till the end. For the first time, I tasted the sweetness of the thing called pain.....The day that brought hope finally ended. I slept sans dreams for the first time in a span of 10 days.....
Lines on that day: Every small drop of success gives you tonnes of strength in the most vulnerable moments.....


Chapter 10: Fighting my own self, my enemy, my body..... ~ Chapters from my life

18th March 2013:

Pain can be a liberating experience. The ordeal taught it. I have been a Science student and knew what dialysis meant. But I had assumed, dialysis is done usually for kidney where blood is purified and filtered. In my case however, the words changed though they meant more or less the same. Since I was not responding to the administered drugs, plasma pherasis was the one stroke treatment for my condition. In this treatment, the plasma of the body is changed, rather washed out and is replaced with plasma that is made from the blood donated by healthy blood donors. And the battle had begun. Hunting started in full swing for the plasma of my blood type B Negative which happens to be a rare blood group. I felt as if I was a part of some movie where there was a fight for getting every small thing done with ease. Meanwhile, I was getting prepared for the plasma pherasis. I was again wheeled into ICU where a catheter was inserted surgically on the right side of my neck. The procedure was painful. But I was now mentally prepared to counter the war my own body had waged against me. And no pain was going to deter my belief that I was going to be ok. Once the procedure was over, I could not lift my head or sit up for the next couple of days as a nerve wrecking pain released into my body each time I tried to. After a couple of days, I was ready for the first cycle of plasma pherasis. I was wheeled into a dialysis unit. The first cycle of plasma pherasis was to start. The time was 11 PM.
The catheter that was surgically inserted on the right side of my neck was connected to a filter wherein the plasma from my body was to be drained out. Meanwhile, a lot of saline and antibiotics were pumped into my system to keep me rehydrated. And my blood pressure was monitored every 15 minutes. My sugar was monitored too. My heart rate was a bit erratic and that was raising eyebrows already. Still, when there is no choice but to endure, there is a sense of optimism that springs up from within. In my case, I was waiting patiently for the procedure to start. When it did, after a while, I felt my body grow cold and numb. I felt as if each part of my body was slowly turning to ice. My throat was parched. I could not take anything orally yet, and so I begged for a nurse to feed me water through the riles tube that was inserted through my nose, that led to my stomach. However, the protocol did not allow anything to be given orally. So I was nothing but a body of ice that was lying in an absolute state of ennui, where at times, I felt I would not pull through. And in those moments, I saw the deep compassionate eye of my son that beseeched me to pick him up and smother him with hugs and kisses. My blood pressure hit a new low in the coming minutes, as low as 60 and the lab technician suddenly sprang up from his seat and jolted me out of my dream like state. He told me constantly that I was doing good and I needed to relax. I waited and waited. After three hours, the first cycle of dialysis got over. I was weak. I could barely open my eyes. I waited to get back, to my son, to my world. Surprisingly, that night I slept well, even as a fresh batch of plasma was injected into my system. The next day would bring some hope.....

Lines on that day: Pain, coldness, numbness all become small when you surrender to the Almighty.


Chapter 9: Where a small candle of hope lit, immediately a cold wind would douse it..... ~ Chapters from my life

15th March - 17th March 2013:

The days that followed were a smudge. Nothing was clear. My prognosis report was seemingly fine. My blood reports were fine. My nerve reflexes were good. And still my case was puzzling. On a second opinion from another leading neurologist, Dr Tapadia, a second MRI was scheduled for me. The nightmare was not ready to end. I felt like a caged animal who was being subjected to tests. Meanwhile, my body was not responding to the treatment that had already commenced. My heart beat was irregular. My blood pressure was unstable. My sugar was erratic. I could feel my body was punctured to the core and was refusing to cooperate with the ongoing treatment. The second MRI report fortunately came out clean. And then came a shocking revelation from Dr Vyas. He said, the enemy in my body was none but my own body. Apparently, my defense system had gone haywire and had started attacking me for no rhyme or reason. Precisely, I had suffered acute symptoms of a very rare form of an auto immune disorder, myasthenia gravis, a condition that happens one in thousands. He said though, my condition was absolutely curable, but the treatment would be long and I would be hospitalized for 10 more days, wherein the next round of treatment was to start soon. Hopes rose. Faith returned. And with that was to come greater pain.....


Chapter 8: Sometimes, time becomes the mentor and pain becomes the friend..... ~ Chapters from my life

14th March 2013:

And then came one major test, the CSF in which a sample of the cerebral spinal fluid is extracted from the spinal cord. The test was to determine whether it contained some infection. This test required signature from the husband before being conducted. I was warned already that there would be intensifying pain for a minute or so. And that, I had to cooperate. I was asked to crouch in a foetal position with 5-6 people holding me tight. And then, after a local anaesthesia was administered, the pain of the prick on my spine was intense. After the procedure, I lay numb on the table. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. Colours splashed, sounds were muffled and the world was a blur. Incoherence was the word to describe my mental state. Suddenly, I felt nothing. It was like floating in some empty space where there were no dreams, no hopes and no life. I felt as if I was drifting between two worlds, not knowing which one was for real. And then from far away, I heard some noise. The noise was getting louder and then I could feel someone patting me hard and waking me up roughly. I opened my eyes and I saw a couple of nurses telling me to wake up as I was going back to my room. I thanked God. The day was to end soon. No more surprises was all I could ask for at that moment.
After half an hour, what seemed like ages, I was wheeled back to my room. I couldn’t see properly but there were familiar voices, voices of people who adored me and had come all the way from our place to pray for me. I was overwhelmed but could not emote. Faces weren’t clear. But my hearing sense was sharp and I instantly knew each one of them. God was kind enough to help me hear the soothing prayers that were read out for my speedy recovery. And that day, I understood the strength and depth of prayers. Prayers are the supernatural medicine that eventually works its way out but it breeds on faith and belief. Till that moment, I was brooding over whatever happened. But from that moment onwards, I started believing in myself. My inner self woke up from an age long slumber and it took control over my mind. Even before I knew, the healing had started though the process was slow.
Lines on that day: Dava ke saath dua zaruri hai.....


Chapter 7: When going gets tough, the tough get going..... ~ Chapters from my life

13th March 2013 :

And as I slowly started accepting the reality, I realized, acceptance of the current inevitable moment does not reduce your pain or does not heal you any fast, but it builds courage and hope drop by drop. At least, acceptance gives you the strength to get past every current minute that seems like a day. And in all that pain and drowsiness caused by the needle pricks and constant flow of antibiotics into my system, surprisingly, I reminisced every beautiful moment that adorned my life. Starting from the day I met my husband, the lovey dovey days that followed, our courtship, our engagement, out marriage, then our forceful stay away from each other away when he was posted in a battlezone where I couldn’t accompany him, then the day I conceived, those nine months of family way, the day our son was born and the beautiful sunny days that followed later. And it made me smile for a moment as I thought, life has not been unfair. It made me realize somewhere deep inside that I have not been sleeping on a bed of thorns all the while, like the moment now. Most importantly, it made me realize that life for sure, was not a bed of roses.
Good times and bad times, both come and go. It is only during the bad times, one realizes the worth of good. And as I lay there on a bed, helpless with a tube inserted nasally through which I was fed and with an IV injected through my veins, all I could do was surrender to the Almighty. I prayed each day, each night. I apologised to Him for all my mistakes that I may have done knowingly and unknowingly. Most importantly, I prayed for the well being of each one around me. Good health is so underrated in today’s world that people rarely understand the cons of not having it. It is only when a moment like this comes, one realizes the richness of good health. Even the richest man becomes the poorest on a hospital bed, as he is at the mercy of another human being. And my thoughts continued to drift away. There was barely any sense of time. Days and nights merged into one. My outings were restricted to going for tests, some trips to the ICU and then a little movement after I got fresh in the morning. Time was ticking and it was slow. With body, mind was losing hope somewhere. Each time, I saw the clock, I wished there was only a dawn and a dusk to a day with nothing else in between. And the days dragged by slower than ever.....
Lines on that day: Will this night ever end? Will the next day bring any hopes. The wait that had started had to end......”


Chapter 6: The hell ride starts.....I get to taste pain in all forms..... ~ Chapters from my life

12th March 2013:

And it all started with the MRI scan. I had only heard about it, rather studied about it in school days. Little did I know, I was going to experience the strongest form of magnetic rays pass through my body to show abnormalities if any. With my husband by my side, I was in the MRI room for an hour or so. The same day, a nerve conductive study was also conducted on me, where electrodes are placed at the primary nerve points to check if there is any lapse in the nerve impulses. My body jerked each time, those short yet strong electric current pulses passed through my body. The good part was my body reflexes were intact. The not so good part was, what was to be known was yet unknown.
That day, as I lay in the bed for hours uncounted, the question that haunted me to the core, “why me? How is it possible? How could it be me? Why, after all? Why, now? Why in the name of God, why?” It is in the most awkward time, that mind chooses to play devious games. It simply refuses to accept reality. It refuses to accept that there could be anything wrong. It refuses to cooperate with the body and soul. It becomes the antagonist all of a sudden. And more painful than the mortal wounds, is the pain that the soul sees and feels around. The agonizing look on a father’s face to see his only child on a hospital bed in a maze of tubes and wires, the muffled sobs of a mother whose eyes had dried up after hours of shedding silent tears, the poignant eyes of my one and a half year old son that refused to look into my eyes and instead buried them into his grandmother’s lap and the most pain stricken face of my husband who stood by my side, watching me with that look, “Common Narayani, don’t do this to me. Sit up, walk, talk. I want to hear you now. I want you to see me now. Become normal. Heal fast. please!”  I realized there could be no worse pain than watching your loved ones in pain because of you. I just waited.
Lines on that day: This too shall pass......


Chapter 5: What do you do, when life shatters in a snap? Silence can be deafening..... ~ Chapters from my life

11th March 2013:

As I entered the hospital premises of Rajshree Hospitals Indore, with my world, I waited impatiently for the doctor to arrive. With time, my impatience was building up. I wanted to hear the words, “It’s nothing. Just a sore throat gone awry. It will be treated within a week of medication.” My turn came at 12 and I explained everything to the doctor by action and in writing. He examined me, checked my nerve points, and examined my throat and eyes. The words that came from him shook the ground beneath me. Although I was on the examination table, I could clearly hear what was being said to my father and my husband. “Her problem is not psychological. It is a neuro problem and we need to admit her right away. And she cannot be fed orally. “  Even after I regained my composure, I thought my stay in the hospital wont exceed a couple of days. After all, what was it that had happened? The doctor was not disclosing anything and he said he would not disclose until my diagnosis is complete.

I was admitted the very day. Salines were injected and with some antibiotics. A riles tube was inserted nasally through my nose as I could not take anything orally, not even water. The procedure of insertion did not pain. I smiled for a moment that it did not pain. However, that smile slowly turned to heart wrenching sobs as I understood why it did not pain. My throat muscles had gone numb. They were paralysed. My vision that was earlier double now blurred not letting me see anything clearly. I could not focus on anything. That moment of realization brought out the most irrational form of cold fears in me. What the hell was wrong with me? Will I ever get ok? Will I see my world again? Will I see my son turn two? Will I celebrate my fourth anni? Will I experience the love of my parents, the kisses of my son and the bear hugs of my husband? Fear of unknown is the most terrible fear I have known. It is cold and it is terrifying. I wanted the moment to pass. And I waited for the clock to tick away as fast as possible......
Lines on that day: What would I not give in this world to hold my son to my bossom again.....


Chapter 4: You don’t really want to hear the truth, do you? Truth can be insanely bitter.....~ Chapters from my life

8th March 2013 -  10th March:

Sometimes, what can cause an acute pain can be painless. And that painless feeling is scary, scarier than the normal infections and fever. Because the discomfort, the pain, the ptehelplessness can be felt by none but the patient. After visiting the second ENT in Mhow, who too felt my problem was purely psychological, my inner self forewarned me of something creepy. I for one, knew that something was terribly wrong with me. My husband too, who knew the intensity of my speech and vision, fortunately, not for a second doubted me. After a thorough search for ENT specialists in Indore City,  we zeroed upon a Dr. Piyush Gandhi who was gracious enough to call us at his home on a Sunday, which was 10th March. By then, I had developed diplopia (double vision), droopy eyelids, difficulty in swallowing and drinking besides inability to speak. We visited him at his home and were more disappointed when he too gave me a clean chit for my throat. But, he corrected us saying that the problem was not on the ENT side but could be neurological.

Those words changed the course of events of my perfectly normal life until then. The good Samaritan doctor redirected us to a Dr. Amit Vyas, a leading neurologist in Indore. With an appointment in hand for the next day, I waited in silent tears for the night to pass. Also my parents were to arrive the next day and were to meet us directly at the hospital. The night was silent and I wanted it to continue as I was feeling sleepy. From the next day, the gory episodes of my life were to start. I couldn’t gargle at all. I couldn’t swallow anything, even water. My speech was totally gone. My vision had deteriorated. And my walk became unsteady. But the worst was yet to come. When my husband came back home after having taken leave, he was alarmed seeing my eyes. My eyeballs were not moving. My ordeal with the unknown had started. And with time, it was going to get worse.....
Lines on that day: Fear of unknown is cold and terrifying.....


Chapter 3: Does life come with an instruction manual? Does danger come without warning? ~ Chapters from my life

7th March 2013:

Things just don’t happen, just like that. Do they? Do dangers give warnings? Are there signs around? May be. We just don’t see things coming. We take things lightly. We take life often for granted. We recklessly abuse ourselves at times consciously and otherwise. But the bottom line is we don’t care much about the gift called life. And that is when destiny decides to part lessons. And when it does, we get to savor the most unsavoury phases of life, phases we wished did not exist, phases we wished were just a dream and not real, phases we wished did not happen with us.
It all started on 7th March. The morning was a shock more than a surprise. I woke up with a dizzy head, droopy eyes and a throat that was not sore, yet not right. I could not gargle. And when I spoke, I felt I was speaking through my nose, making me sound very funny. Something was not right. It just wasn’t. Besides, it brought back some ugly memories of the same experience from four years back where in I had a similar problem that was cured by medicines within a week. But this time, there was some sinister presence that was warning me of a problem that was soon to change a lot about my life. My throat had started behaving funnier with time. Throat is that one organ which helps you communicate in the right way. What if you just wake up one day only to realize that you are not able to talk properly and you have a persistent dizziness that does not allow you to see or perceive anything clearly? Ironically, there was no fever, no swollen tongue or throat, no headache and no cough or cold for that matter. And to add to my woes, an ENT surgeon at MH even went to the extent of believing that I was just making up a case out of nowhere! I had no clue what had happened to me. Neither did the doc. That was the day I understood the meaning of the word helplessness. My voice that was my companion many a time, suddenly left my side. I could not respond to people. Nor did people around me understand whatever is the problem. This time made me realize the worth of speech. And I was silently muttering prayers to end the nightmare that was just the tip of an iceberg waiting to wreck my life.....

Lines on that day: Will there be an end to this nightmare? Will I get normal? When mind plays games, all doors of sanity close on you. Helplessness is the word.....


Chapter 2: When roses changed to thorns, when clouds became dark..... ~ Chapters from my life

6th March 2013:

I was happy and my life was good. I guess I could not have asked for anything more or better. I just had the perfect life, the way I wanted. I was actively participating in many events like ladies meet and a lot more. My son who will soon be two, was picking up words that made me swoon with laughter. My husband was comparatively relaxed and I really did not mind being the busy bee mom as it gave me immense pleasure to still being able to enjoy some self time despite the demanding motherhood and wife-hood. But as they say, when things are just going too easy, destiny is just waiting to throw curve balls at you. In my case, a small curve ball did come that was soon to snowball into a life changing event I never imagined in my wildest dreams. I was to face the most traumatic phase of my life. I was to see the darkest days of my life very soon.....days that will haunt me for ever, days that were to change my very perspective of the thing called life.
Musibaten batake nahi aati.....na?
Lines on that day: What would I not give for a normal life? what would I not trade for simplicity? Humility rises only when we stand to lose nothing.....


Chapter 1: 25th March 2013. The judgement day of my life. ~ Chapters from my life

25th March 2013 : A day I shall cherish for a lifetime.

25th March 2013 : This day will always remind me how important life is, love is and faith in the Almighty is.

25th March 2013 : It is a living proof of my life that no prayer goes unanswered.

25th March 2013 :  It is the day of attestation by the Almighty that every night shall end only to blossom into a new day.

25th March 2013 : This day is a live testimony of my life that there is nothing larger than life itself.

25th March 2013 : It is the day that helped me realize the power of hope, faith and human bond.

25th March 2013 : It is the day that taught me how close one could get to losing everything in one go.

25th March 2013 : It is the day that made me feel the depth of those human emotions that rarely surfaces on any normal day.

25th March 2013 : It is the day that made me sail through the most formidable side of my normal life with a strength I never knew, existed in me.

25th March 2013 : It is the day that will forever cling to my soul, my heart and my mind as it is the day that saw the unison of all three in one piece.

25th March 2013 : It is the day I came back home in good health, exactly after 15  days of intense hospitalization, after the most agonizing phase of my life commenced, when my fight started against the rarest form of a neurological disorder that goes by the name of myasthenia gravis……

"When weakness hits rock bottom, there is no way other than growing up strong....."